Critical Hits & Misses #219

• Because we can't stop won't stop talking about Wonder Woman, here's a Vox piece on how Wondie isn't just the superhero Hollywood needs, but the superhero that exhausted feminists deserve. 


• Syfy Wire has a story we can really get behind: a group of Pakistani university students have put together a Feminist Comic Con to celebrate women in comics, and featured Pakistani comic book artists and actresses. 

For today's musical hit, we have Grimes and "Genesis"

Today's critical rolls: With Wonder Woman being such a success and Captain Marvel on the horizon, what other female heroes does Hollywood need to make movies about?


Critical Writ has a super-duper strict comment policy that specifies a single rule above all others: we reserve the right to ban you for being a terribad citizen of the internet.

Critical Hits & Misses #218

• The New York Times has an interesting article on how Axe Body Spray and other companies are changing their advertising to reflect changes in American masculinity. While we still see plenty of traditional (and often sexist) masculine roles in commercials, Axe and other companies are also showcasing dads, men with long hair, men wearing pink, men that are bad at sports, and gay men. You mean masculinity doesn't have to be toxic? Shocking.  


• Bustle has a story on a trans teen and his mother who are changing the conversation. This is a podcast where you can hear about this teen and prosthetic penises for transmen. 

For today's musical hit, we have Childish Gambino and "Redbone"

Today's critical rolls: What's in your wallet? (hey, I had a hard time coming up with a question today)


Critical Writ has a super-duper strict comment policy that specifies a single rule above all others: we reserve the right to ban you for being a terribad citizen of the internet.

Critical Hits & Misses #217

• We're still basking in the greatness that is Wonder Woman. If you've seen it, you probably noticed all the badassery of the Amazons. The Nerdy Birdy did some serious fieldwork to document the varied and beautiful and powerful female athletes that populate Themyscira. 


• Refinery29 has a story on how Katy Perry appears to be finally acknowledging her history of cultural appropriation. Let's hope the lesson sticks. 

For today's musical hit, we have Andra's "Why"

Today's critical rolls: Did you do anything exciting this weekend? Tell us what was going on!


Critical Writ has a super-duper strict comment policy that specifies a single rule above all others: we reserve the right to ban you for being a terribad citizen of the internet.

Critical Hits & Misses #216

Photo credit: The Indian Express. This quote is spot fucking on.

• The Indian Express has a great article on the Indian stand-up comedy scene, and the inherent sexism in it. Tarishi Verma discusses three of India's lead women comics, and how they are tearing it up despite an uphill battle. 


• You probably heard about the bombing in Manchester during an Ariana Grande concert. The Atlantic has a sobering article on how an attack on a venue specifically designed for women and young girls, is particularly horrifying. Yes, every terrorist attack is awful. But there's a special place in hell for a suicide bomber that targets a feminine space specifically. 


• Refingery29 has a great interview with writer Jill Filipovic, who wrote The H Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness. There is a great discussion of how feminism makes women unhappy... but not for the reasons you think. The interview is worth a read, not to mention putting this book on your to-read list. 

For today's musical hit, we have Ariana Grande and Miley Cyrus with "Don't Dream Its Over" from the live One Love Manchester.

Today's critical rolls: What are some of your favorite female comedians?


Critical Writ has a super-duper strict comment policy that specifies a single rule above all others: we reserve the right to ban you for being a terribad citizen of the internet.

Critical Hits & Misses #215

• Because we love us some Wonder Woman, here's The Guardian with an in-depth look at how wonderfully subversive the film is. The article not only discusses Diana herself, but how many of the women characters and their actions--even Dr. Poison--are committing feminist acts. There is also some great comparisons to other female action leads. 


• Cameron Glover at Think Progress has a thoughtful op-ed wherein she inspects whether Capitalism is good for feminism, or whether it might mean the decline of feminism. 

For today's musical hit, we have Lorde and "Perfect Places"

Today's critical rolls: What are some of your favorite badass lady cinematic heroes?


Critical Writ has a super-duper strict comment policy that specifies a single rule above all others: we reserve the right to ban you for being a terribad citizen of the internet.

Feel the Wonder: the Wonder Woman Review

As the superhero movie genre has gotten bigger, the absence of Wonder Woman has only gotten harder and harder to bear. I mean, the dearth of any real female leads pisses me off, but Wonder Woman especially sticks in my craw. Not just the most famous superheroine, but one of the most famous characters in the genre, period. And yet she remained absent while much smaller, less famous characters got their time in the limelight. You wanna tell me how Ghost Rider got 2 movies or Daredevil got a movie and 2 seasons of a TV show, while Wonder Woman is still waiting in the wings?

Which makes her film adaptation finally arriving in theaters a goddamn miracle all on its own. Unfortunately, its attached to the increasingly terrible DCEU, Warner Bros' attempt at creating a cinematic universe that has, thus far, only succeeded in creating some of the worst the genre has to offer. And while Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman was easily the best part of Batman v. Superman, overcoming being attached to such a toxic franchise is a lot for one hero to overcome. Even a hero like Wonder Woman.

Our plot is devoted to the titular character, Diana of Themyscria (Gal Gadot), an Amazon living on an island of only women, who grows up being trained in being a warrior by her aunt Antiope (Robin Wright), despite the objections of her mother Queen Hippolyta (Connie Nielsen). She grows up to be a strong and powerful warrior, who everyone seems to know a mysterious secret about. Oh and they also talk about how humanity was created by Zeus to be good but Ares corrupted them and he's disappeared, and it's the Amazons' duty to track him down one day.

But her idyllic life is interrupted when Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) crash lands near the island, pursued by German soldiers. Turns out World War 1 is on outside the island and Steve stole the notes for a super weapon planned by German scientist Islabel Maru (Elena Anaya) and General Ludendorff (Danny Houston). So Diana has to leave the island and team up with Trevor and a small team of misfits to find the super weapon, although Diana is much more interested in finding Ares, who she believes is responsible for turning humanity against itself.

In case you were one of the 20 people who haven't heard yet, Wonder Woman is really, really good. It's not perfect, but frankly, it doesn't need to be. It's far and away the best thing DC has put out in years, and probably the best superhero movie of 2017 after Logan. It's the first real step in the right direction for DC and it gives me hope that the 2017 blockbuster season will be one to write home about.

"Alright, I'm gonna go over there and f**k everyone up."

The big central element, the one that anchors the whole movie is Gal Gadot. She was already really solid in Batman v. Superman, an incredible physical presence that effortlessly turned the garbage she was given to deliver into gold. Here she manages to do the same work with a much better script. Walking a line between Diana's warrior persona and her naivete, which gives her not just a great screen persona, but also an arc to go through. Gal Gadot is incredibly engaging as both though, and she never ceases to be a joy to watch on screen.

The rest of the cast isn't quite up to her level, but they all put in good work. Chris Pine hasn't been this engaging and likable...well ever, and while their band of misfits (Said Taghmoui, Ewen Bremner and Eugene Brave Rock) don't get a lot of screentime, they all do good work with the time they get. Even the villains, as cliche and silly as they are, are a lot of fun, hamming it up or just generally giving off intense vibes.

Of course the plot isn't the most unique (it's basically a cross between Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger, with the plot shunted back from WW2 to WW1) but that's not so much of an issue. I wish I could say that it's kind of subversive to have the most important superheroine have some cliches in her movie, now that it has finally arrived to show these young whippersnappers who's boss, but that doesn't feel like the intent. Instead, the intent feels like it was to simply go with a proven, rock solid foundation, and build the movie on top of it, focusing on a good script, engaging characters and solid action setpieces.

"Can I please participate in the action scenes? Please?"
"No. Now sit down."

That script is another one of the film's minor miracles, subtly acknowledging the madness and cruelty on all sides of the war it takes place during, while also never losing track of Diana's character arc. It also manages to slot in those solid action setpieces naturally, and they're all pretty excellent too. The standout is Diana's crossing of no man's land, but all the beats are well realized and they actually manage to advance the plot and tell us more about the characters, which is getting kind of unusual in superhero films (which are trending towards having action scenes for their own sake).

That's not to say the movie is without its flaws. Its opening act is a little on the long side, and I think it could have been cut down a little. It also can't resist turning into a CGI heavy, action showcase in the third act, which isn't a dealbreaker, but does feel a little disappointing, given that they kind of lose track of their human drama at the core of their story. Neither of these really hurt the film, but they do keep the movie from being perfect.

I'd complain they're still over-designing everything, but at least it's not like Superman's outfit with all the lines pointing at his crotch.

But not every movie needs to be perfect, and I'm just happy that a movie that could have been so very very bad turned out to be so very very good. The DCEU has been in a tailspin more or less from the moment it started, but now it finally has something good to lead the way forward. And more than that, it's fantastic to finally see Wonder Woman hit the big screen.

Do not miss Wonder Woman.


Elessar is a 27 year old Alaskan-born, Connecticut-based, cinephile with an obsession with The Room and a god complex. 

Critical Hits & Misses #214

• Today in Bullshit Women In The Have To Deal With: Halle Barry had a cheeky reply for all those people who thought the 50 year old actress might be pregnant because of an apparent bit of belly in public. Seriously, can't a lady have some freaking steak and fries without everyone commenting on her body? Even if she was pregnant, why does everyone have the right to comment on female bodies?


• Vox has a solid article on Catherynne Valente, a writer whose latest book Refrigerator Monologues is about comic heroines who have been "fridged." She has a lot to say in this interview, about feminism, Red Sonja, and the oppression of women writers. 

For today's musical hit, we have Bebe Rexha and "The Way I Are (Dance With Somebody)"

Today's critical rolls: There are so many women characters that have been fridged, across all genres and media types, women sacrificed so that the male story arc could "grow." What are some that have infuriated you?


Critical Writ has a super-duper strict comment policy that specifies a single rule above all others: we reserve the right to ban you for being a terribad citizen of the internet.

2016-2017 Cancellations, Renewals, And Pick-Ups: Critical Writ's TV Round-Up

Once again, the time has come to dissect the good, the bad, and the ugly of this year's upcoming television news. First, I'm happy to report that the standard networks weren't as cancellation-happy as last year. It especially irked me because a lot of genuinely promising material wasn't necessarily given a full chance. The critically-acclaimed The Office, Parks And Recreation, and 30 Rock didn't necessarily have the best ratings going into the initial season, but with a bit of leeway, they soon became some of NBC's most popular comedy programs.

A lot of quality programs have been axed in the past purely due to ratings, even if the critics adored them. Thankfully, we don't have any Muppet documentaries, awesome shows about a family of lawyers with enough meta content to rival Community, or unconventional follow-ups to sci-fi films to break our hearts by getting cancelled this year. Let's get to the round-up. As a disclaimer, this does by no means cover all of the news, just whatever I find interesting.

Cancellations:

Hell yeah! We're done!

Making History and Son Of Zorn (FOX): Yeah, this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise. According to many reports, Fox had three shows produced by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller and with ratings lagging for the trio, something had to go. I'll admit, I'm not as saddened by the departure of Son Of Zorn. It never really went past being just okay for my taste, but Making History was great. It had a semi-serialized plot and social commentary.

The Great Indoors (CBS): Starring snark-master Joel McHale, it's a show about a rugged outdoorsman who is pulled back into the office. How can he work with a group of millenials on an outdoors living magazine?! This calls for some irritating, laugh track-infused shenanigans! At the best of times, The Great Indoors simply felt like your average mediocre sitcom. At the worst, an offensive portrayal of the differences between generations. If you want to see a show that has a similar focus, but with a mostly positive manner, try Superior Donuts. It's on the same network and it got renewed earlier in the year.

Renewals*:

The Last Man On Earth (FOX): Thank goodness! As always, the most recent season ended on a massive cliffhanger, so ending the drama-comedy now would be irritating. TLMOE, starring Will Forte, Kristen Schaal, January Jones, Mel Rodriguez, Cleopatra Coleman, and Mary Steenburgen focuses on a group of survivors after a virus seemingly kills off most of the world's population. Obviously, the title no longer reflects the cast, but it's still a darkly humorous insight into just how to survive and tolerate annoying people. If you don't count Gotham, then it's the closest thing Fox has to a high-concept comedy, and even then, Lucifer definitely beats it in that category.

Gotham (FOX): I'll admit, the show is getting more entertaining. I'm still bored whenever the show focuses on Bruce Wayne or Jim Gordon, but the villains are getting even more entertaining. Riddler finally has his alter-ego up and running, Poison Ivy has been entertaining (Editor's Note: albeit incredibly problematic), and it has one of my favorite live-action portrayals of Mr. Freeze. Really, as long as the bulk of the plot continues to focus on the villains teaming up, I'll be fine. Just, please, ditch the Court Of Owls. They don't even have the proper masks.

Great News (NBC): I'll avoid the obvious joke. From Tina Fey and Tracey Wigfield, the show is set to return for a thirteen-episode second season. In regards to my earlier rant about networks giving shows a chance, I find that this is a positive example.

The Goldbergs (ABC): Eighties nostalgia is alive and well! Say, I wonder if the upcoming Ready Player One film will cast anyone from the show as an in-joke. I haven't seen a lot of the show, but I like reading about it, especially because it's currently the most prominent example of a Jewish family on tv.

Agents Of SHIELD (ABC): I'm excited to see what the next season brings, especially if they continue with the specialized story arcs. Having three serialized villains over the course of a season really helps get us attached to the villains and really see them as a threat. AIDA is one of the best characters on the show, in that regard.

Timeless (NBC): Alas, the glut of time-travel focused programming didn't help out the noble crew in this program. They traveled throughout time to stop a mysterious organization from changing history for the worse. Sadly, I guess the Agents Of SHIELD-esque cliffhanger, wherein the finale ended with the team somehow working for the bad guys, will never be solved. (Update: Literally the very next day, it was renewed for a second season. Neat! Unexpected, but neat!)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine and New Girl (FOX): About halfway through the season, I began to suspect that season six of New Girl might be the last wacky offering from the show. It seemed like the plot threads were quickly being wrapped up, especially with an increased amount of references to past episodes. Fox did officially announce that the show would be renewed, albeit for a shortened finale season, a la Parks And Recreation. Meanwhile, Brooklyn Nine-Nine will return, which is good, because it ended on a massive cliffhanger.

*Early renewals include Superstore and Lucifer.

Pick-Ups:

Unnamed Deadpool series (FX): Coming as a complete surprise to anyone not in the television industry or actively working on it, FX announced that a Deadpool cartoon would be coming to the airwaves next year. Community's Donald Glover will be working as the executive producer, showrunner, and one of the writers with his brother, Stephen Glover.

As of the time of this writing, ten episodes have been ordered. I don't know where the show stands in terms of rights to use MCU Marvel characters, but I hope that they make the most of whatever they can use. I do know that because the show will air on Fox's grittier network, the writers probably won't have trouble with adapting Deadpool's crass jokes on the air.

Unikitty (Cartoon Network): In even more unexpected news, The Lego Movie will be getting a television spinoff starring the eponymous Unikitty, with Tara Strong set to voice her instead of Alison Brie. I don't know how well a show about the ever-cheerful kingdom will hold up as a full-length show, but you can be sure that it'll be colorful.

Unnamed Black-ish spinoff: Zoey Johnson is set to be spun-off into her own show, but on Freeform, rather than ABC's main network. The show, if it does get picked up, will feature Yara Shahidi's character at college. Seeing as Black-ish is fantastic at covering social issues through a comedic lens, and just plain funny to boot, I see no reason why this potential spin-off wouldn't be just as good.

Krypton and Happy! (Syfy): Really? Okay, they're serious with this. Gotham might be laughably bad at the best of times, but at least it has a bit of a foundation to go on. You have your villains and a young Bruce Wayne training. (Disclaimer: It only has the villains. Yeah, I'm disappointed, too.) I get that they're going for a Game Of Thrones-type of vibe, but it's hard to believe that anyone could care about Superman's grandpa. Who are they going to use for villains? I could see Brainiac or even Darkseid, but that's a stretch. Hey, if the show ends with it being revealed to be Ambush Bug telling a bedtime story, then I might give it a chance.

As for Happy!, it's not an adaptation of Pharrell's song, but I predict it might be used in the marketing. It's an adaptation of one of Grant Morrison's weirder comics, and that's saying something. A foul-mouthed cop-turned-hitman survives a life-threatening injury and begins to see a talking blue horse, as voiced by Bobby Moynihan. Together, they fight crime. I promise you, none of that is a joke. I may have disliked the comic, but I'll gladly check out the pilot just to see how they pull this off.

Ghosted and LA To Vegas (Fox): First up, Ghosted stars comedy legends Adam Scott and Craig Robin as paranormal investigators, one cynical and one a believer. It will have a serialized element, but the show is primarily comedy-based. You might be thinking that this sounds like The X-Files, and you're right. It's set to air alongside the next revived season of the famed sci-fi drama. LA To Vegas has a fairly unique premise. Unlike your average cookie-cutter work-com, it takes place on an airline. How much do you want to bet that the pilot will be re-filmed to include a sprinkle of United Airlines jokes? It's being produced by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, leading me to hope that it'll be promising.

Black Lightning (The CW): The CW's adding another superhero program to their venerable lineup, along with a healthy dose of diversity. The show will feature Black Lightning coming back into the superhero game after retiring to be with his family. Formerly picked up as a pilot by Fox, it moved over to the CW. I have a feeling that it'll air after Arrow, due to the similar tones. On a personal note, I hope that this will lead to the DC characters embargo finally being lifted, if only for a Batman And The Outsiders reference.

By The Book (CBS): Fun fact: My synagogue actually has the book that this show is based on. Titled The Year Of Living Biblically, it chronicles the story of a man who attempts to improve his relationship with religion by living his life according to every edict in the Bible for a year. It's a humorous and educational book, and I definitely recommend it. The show is produced by The Big Bang Theory's Johnny Galecki. I'm not so sure how I feel about it being turned into a sitcom, potentially afflicted with a laugh track, but I do appreciate the increased representation for Judaism.

Deception (ABC): I've recently discovered that I'm something of a magic nerd. My nerdy interest was only increased when I heard about this new show from Greg Berlanti. Side note- Seriously, does he ever sleep? I don't know who has more shows in production, him or Ryan Murphy. It stars a disgraced magician who decides to use his powers of illusion for the FBI. I'll definitely watch it and I already hope for a Zatanna joke. Or a cameo, considering that the creator is helming the CW superhero gauntlet. (Now including Black Lightning!)


Zachary Krishef is an evil genius. Do not question his knowledge of Saturday Night Live trivia or Harry Potter books.

Critical Hits & Misses #213

• Bill Maher got himself into some trouble over the weekend on his show, when he called himself a "house n****r" in response to a Republican Senator's invitation to "work in the fields" of Nebraska. But this article on Forbes isn't centered around Maher specifically, but rather is a discussion of white liberalism, the hidden racism inherent in it, and the white-washing of apologies after Maher's "slip" of the tongue. It's a fascinating discussion on issues we don't talk about much among liberals and progressives. 


• I'm not cryin', you're cryin'! Wonder Woman, a superhero film starring a woman and more importantly directed by a woman, roared onto the big screen this past weekend, and proceeded to kick major ass. The Hollywood Reporter has the numbers. 

For today's musical hit, we have Indigo Girls and "Galileo"

Today's critical rolls: With Wonder Woman doing so well at the box office, what other movies do you think/would you like to see Marvel and DC and Fox announce that are lady led (and hopefully some are at least lady-directed!)?


Critical Writ has a super-duper strict comment policy that specifies a single rule above all others: we reserve the right to ban you for being a terribad citizen of the internet.

Dead Franchises Tell No Tales: Pirates of the Caribbean 5 Review

It's hard to remember this, 14 years later, but the original Pirates of the Caribbean was not something anyone expected to be good. Positioned as a companion to a now long forgotten Eddie Murphy vehicle, no one expected a movie based on a ride to be good. But, surprise of surprises, it worked. It was a fun, engaging adventure, with a good cast and a great score, and it did exceptionally well at the box office a and with critics, even scoring Depp a surprise Oscar nomination. A good time was had by all.

Now, 5 movies later, with each of our leads' careers having spiraled off in wildly different directions than their career trajectories at that moment would have suggested, the franchise has basically collapsed into itself, but keeps going, more or less under the weight of its own momentum. And while there is always the possibility that a franchise will revive itself and come out better than ever, like Fury Road, it seems like the far more likely possibility is that a dead franchise will continue to suck.


Our plot this time around Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites), Will's son from the third movie, who is out in the world seeking a way to break his father's curse and return him home. His strategy is to seek out something called the Trident of Poseidon which can...you don't care do you? Yeah, it's just our latest macguffin designed to push the plot into motion, and get Henry to seek out Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) so he can... help? They also run into an astronomer named Carina (Kaya Scodelario) who is seeking the Trident too for...some vaguely defined thing to do with her dad.

This is complicated by the fact that there are another set of ghost pirates on the loose, led by Captain Armando Salazar (Javier Bardem), who want to get Jack Sparrow and are willing to carve their way through anyone to do it. Including Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) who's here too because...well he might as well be, right?

Let me be right up front with this: if you're looking for a spoiler free review of Dead Mean Tell No Tales, you're in the wrong place. This movie is so bad, such a huge failure on every conceivable level, that I'm less interested in reviewing it than I am in autopsying it, and to do that, there will be spoilers. So if you want my spoiler free review: It sucks. Do not see it.

"Do you have any plans for getting through this?"
"I said basically nothing for the first 2 seasons of Skins dude, there's my strategy."

The big issue is, unfortunately, Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow. I made a comparison on twitter a couple days ago that Depp as Sparrow has felt off in the sequels because in the original he was written normally, and Depp decided to go weird with it, and now they've got writers trying to write "Weird Sparrow" and it just feels inorganic. But more than that, Sparrow used to have depth, emotional range and a genuine sense of cleverness. He manipulated, double crossed and talked his way into getting all the stuff he needed in the cave at the finale of Curse of the Black Pearl, and he did so holding absolutely no cards whatsoever, just playing off everyone's characters and desires.

Now the writers don't trust him to do anything but clown his way through an action sequence, and his plans consist less of cleverly manipulating everyone around him and more just standing there and letting stuff happen until he gets what he wants. He gets arrested early in the film, and rather than cleverly coming up with a plan to escape, he just sort of hangs out until he gets rescued. It's boring, and it turns what was an engaging, entertaining character into a passive actor in his own movie.

Not that the rest of the characters get off any better, as they wind up stumbling from scene to scene without any real drive or motivation. The movie seems to be self consciously setting up Henry and Carina to be the new Will and Elizabeth, but they were both on screen extremely early and the movie took great pains to show their bond, and make their relationship progression seem natural. Carina and Henry barely spend any time together, even less of it alone, and the finale seems to be giving them payoffs to character arcs that never seem to happen.

This flashback is basically pointless, but hey, at least it means Orlando Bloom says a few lines.
More than Keira Knightley does.

That might be because the movie is stuffed to the gills with just random stuff, none of it interesting and most of it superfluous. We've already got the ghost pirates and the search for the Trident, but we've also got Henry and Carina's various daddy issues (Carina's includes a revelation which lands with a thud and doesn't add a damn thing), a stupid subplot where Carina doesn't believe in magic, Barbossa's weird side-plot and also David Wenham as a British Admiral who's hunting the lot of them, that I omitted from the plot summary above because it's an exercise in total f**king pointlessness. The movie is two hours long, short by this franchise's standard, but more than enough to tell a full story, but the movie jumps from plot to plot so suddenly that none of them get to develop.

The action sequences, that are supposed to be a summer blockbuster's lifeblood, are...whatever. The original movie's action beats had a sense of immediacy and intensity, but since then they've only gotten sillier, to the point where I was fondly reminiscing about characters trying to figure out how to execute a hard turn in a ship. This movie continues the trend, and they're so stupid and over the top, that any sense of danger or intensity is completely gone. I've seen Loony Toons with a better grounding in reality.

That might be excusable if they at least looked alright, but they don't. The design of most of it is pretty dull looking; Javier Bardem looks alright, but the rest of his crew just look dull, and the action beats are shot flatly and edited generically. Most of it's pretty rote, and the ones that aren't are just plain stupid. There's one kind of entertaining beat involving zombie sharks that barely has time to get going before it's over. I get that they're trying to walk back the insanely overlong action beats of previous movies, but there has to be some kind of middle ground.

"Oh look, there goes the last shred of my credibility."

There are elements that work about this, but they just make me angrier at it. The film's sole moment of real emotional payoff is right at the end, when Will and Elizabeth reunite, but it just makes me wonder why the hell they hadn't been in the movie more (Wasn't Elizabeth a Pirate Lord at one point? Couldn't she call in some help?). There's one kind of clever use of the water setting (as part of a lengthy and pointless flashback, but still) but it just made me wish they'd done more stuff like that and less stuff like the bank being dragged through the town.

There are other things I could rant about, like the script that's simultaneously overwritten and underwritten (at one point Bardem's character possesses someone who's still alive, and the other crew state he can't unpossess them but then the movie just sort of abandons that 2 minutes later) but honestly, I'm tired. I'm tired of ranting, I'm tired of Depp, I'm tired of Pirates of the Caribbean.

There are other blockbusters out there this summer that either look promising (Spider-Man, Wonder Woman) or excellent (Atomic Blonde, Dunkirk). Save your money for those and stay far away from this.


Elessar is a 27 year old Alaskan-born, Connecticut-based, cinephile with an obsession with The Room and a god complex.