Elessar's Worst Movies of 2017

I genuinely look forward to doing my Best and Worst lists all year. It's not only a sign that a year has passed (in this case a hellish, unending year) but a chance to look back at the year and take stock. And while my Best of the Year list may surprise some of you, it's currently incomplete (there's a couple more movies I want to see) so we're kicking it off with the worst:

NOTE 1: I traditionally only do 5 Worst movies as opposed to 10, partially to reduce the amount of garbage I have to suffer through and partially because if the creators of these movies didn't put in the effort to make good movies, I'm not putting in the effort to make a full bottom 10.

NOTE 2: I have not, as of this writing, seen The Emoji Movie, because I just don't care, nor have I seen Bright, which according to the internet is a startling late entry. I might try to review that second one in January.

#5: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

I had actually 100 percent forgotten this movie until a Lindsay Ellis video reminded me.
What even is the point of continuing with the Pirates franchise after this many years? The plot wandered off midway through part 2 and I never figured out where it was going. The interesting characters either left or are substantially less interesting. It still can't find any way of making good action beats. Depp is clearly just tired of being there, so why make a 5th? And more importantly, why did I bother to watch it?

#4: Victoria & Abdul

If they wrote the names in font sizes based on interest in character, Victoria would be the size of the poster and Abdul would be absent.
Even the worst Oscar bait has trouble making it onto worst lists, because it's usually got a little something going for it. But here, the small amount of goodwill Dame Judi Dench's performance buys us is overwhelmed by the bad racial politics, the whitewashing of historical evils, the boring paint-by-numbers direction and the film's complete lack of interest in the character who is the first half of the f**king title.

#3: The Snowman

Drink it in people, it's the worst poster ever.
Beating up on The Snowman feels a little unfair, since it's so clearly, desperately unfinished. But even if they had shot more than 75% of the film, they still wouldn't have been able to excuse the dumb storytelling, the boring villain or the fact that the lead character's name is HARRY HOLE. Add in one of the dumbest (albeit most memetic) posters in human history and it's no wonder this film flopped.


#2: Transformers: The Last Knight

Optimus Prime turns evil...for about 2 minutes.
A few years ago I made the fateful decision to just stop watching Adam Sandler movies, because as fascinatingly bad as they are, the added annoyance and stress they give me just isn't worth it. It looks very much like I'm going to have to adopt a similar policy for Transformers movies. The Last Knight is probably the best one in a while, but that just makes horrifically bad as opposed to inexcusably bad. So I'm checking out. Call me when they get a new direction.

#1: The Book of Henry

"Okay, I want you to make a poster like the ones for Stranger Things, but with way too many visual elements."
The Book of Henry is an insidious movie. It eats into your brain, digs in and refuses to let go. You find yourself wondering how this movie came about, how none of the many people who had to sign off on this movie had the sense to realize what a massive disaster they had on their hands, how none of them noticed the gaping plot holes, the trivializing of sexual assault and abuse or the fact that their lead character is a massive tool. And so, for being the most enduring of all the bad movies of 2017, The Book of Henry is my choice for the worst of the bunch.

Elessar is a 27 year old Alaskan-born, Connecticut-based, cinephile with an obsession with The Room and a god complex.